I have lost a lot of people in my life. Usually old people, though, recently a lot of young people. When I was 17, I lost a friend to a drunk driving accident (he was walking home from the store when he was hit by a drunk driver who was also high on marijuana). When I was 23, I lost a beautiful and dear friend to “mysterious” circumstances, though domestic violence was factor. I’ve lost family to age and disease. But more recently, I have begun losing people to suicide.
I believe in free will–along with fate. I believe its fate that you sit next to a particular person on a bus, but free will with what you do in that moment. But, to me, suicide has nothing to do with fate (unless you have no choice, like those who jumped out of the Twin Towers during 9/11-but does that even count as suicide when you know you are going to die?). Suicide is your choice — your choice to check out early.
And it does nothing but leave emotional scars to those left behind. In 2011, a co-worker decided to end it all. It was a beautiful sunny day in April. He seemed fine when he came to work in the morning. Three hours later he shot himself. The trying to wrap my head around why never ended. It wouldn’t stop. What was the point? He had the answers-and he was dead.
Today I learned my cousin shot himself at my grandmothers grave–life seemingly to unbearable to endure. To much to struggle. A sad soul. A troubled soul. A soul who decided to kill himself was the only way to end his suffering and the suffering of those around him. In the end, it only lead to more suffering.
The odd thing with today, and maybe it was because it was my family, I woke up so overwhelmed with grief. I hadn’t learned of my cousins death until today. He lived in NY. I woke up feeling this terrible feeling of sadness…and it wasn’t my sadness. It was like someone else had over taken my soul. I was feeling despondent and at a loss. I couldn’t pin down what was wrong. Just that I was sad. I couldn’t stop crying. It was all consuming–and the sadness-wasn’t mine. It was like something had overcome my soul and was weeping.
My mom called me to tell me the news, and that they hadn’t found his body for a few days…and the funeral was this morning-right around the time I started feeling the overwhelming sense of grief and loss..
Was it his spirit coming through me?
What is it the collective familial energy of the sadness of loss? I will never know.
Life is difficult. There are moments when you feel like you cant breathe. There are times when you question what the point of moving on is. That there is no end in site to the pain, the hurt, the suffering. There is no end for what seems like nothing but a deep hole. Life, ultimately is suffering. But its how you deal with the suffering that determines you as a person. You either let it consume you….let it win….Or you stare it in the face and push it aside and realize no matter how bottom of the barrel you are–there is always up. You can always move up. The Universe is forgiving and boundless. It only goes up. We are always going to ride the waves of the tides–up and down. There is never a constant. Today’s struggles are tomorrows battle scars. We learn from our mistakes–make more mistakes–learn again. There is nothing you can’t change. Even for troubled minds, there is always a way to find solace. To surrender to yourself entirely–and if you believe in a Higher Power, then to surrender to that. To release and let go and understand that tomorrow is another day. Despite feeling like things are endless….the sun will always set and the moon will always rise. Life goes on. Why let it go on without you?
There is nothing nor anyone in this world that is worth ending your own life.
Death is in all of cards. Every day is one day closer to death. Its how we live those days before the winds stops whispering.