2013 was a big year for me. Personally and professionally. It’s funny how when a year starts, you have no idea how it will end. We all make resolutions-what we wish to accomplish in the year ahead. We have dreams and goals. Perceptions of what to expect. But it almost never turns out in the end the way we expected. For better or worse, the New Year always brings about changes in our continuous evolution. We shed our skins. We learn, we grow, we change.
If I had to sum up 2013 in one word it would be ENDINGS. I don’t want to say “losses”–I don’t believe things are ever lost for us. Things end. Some things that end we never expected. Something that begin we never expected. But everything ends and begins somewhere in time. 2013 started off with the hopes of new things to come. My year has been such an emotional roller coaster. 2013 marked a major shift in my perspective on life, love and the world around me.
I have battled with anxiety and depression most of my life. It all came to ahead eight years ago, when I found myself ending up repeatedly in the emergency room from panic attacks. I lived as if I was sleep walking. Needing to hold hands. Afraid of doing things I used to find so simple. My life became a focus of dependence on others. After years of therapy and finally taking the step to go on medication, I have been able to get a handle on both. My anxiety, which used to be so debilitating that I lost my independence, only creeps up occasionally. And its been months since my depression consumed me that I could not even get out of bed. With my regained sense of self and control, I began to explore outside myself once more. My spirituality began to become a major part of my life and I was blessed to begin meeting other people who had the same sense of the Universe as I did. I started attending drum circles, started my own spiritual group, and focused more on the needs I was feeling. I began turning inward.
With the new awareness I had, of which I was no longer bound to the darkness I had experienced with anxiety/depression, came changes within myself. With change comes beginnings and ends. I changed. I changed a lot. What I thought I knew, what I thought I wanted, began to shift. I decided, wholeheartedly, to take a rest from my dancing. I loved performing and teaching, but my passion was gone. Dancing was not what it used to be for me. So I decided that I needed to step away. That life was no longer what I needed. My “retirement” came after my show “ANIMUS,” which for the third year in a row, became a spiritual masterpiece for me. Conceived of a dream where my dance and spirit could merge.
My perception on life, once bound by chains of a loss of self due to the darkness of anxiety and depression, shifted. My dreams, desires and needs changed. With that, came the end of my marriage. The Universe was pulling me in a different direction, and my desires for my future deviated. Our goals differed from what they started off as. I shed a new skin and needed to grow. I continued on my spiritual journey, walking away from the life I had started. I had to reevaluate myself once more. I was now treading in a new tumultuous ocean. But life is like that—waves. Big or small, we have to ride them out.
And then, like a flash of light in a thunderous sky, The Universe decided to flip my world upside down again. If I have learned anything this year, it’s that The Universe will do exactly what it is meant to do when the time is right. I met a partner who was my spiritual and creative equal. Who I have loved for lifetimes. When you least expect it, when you think your world is drowning in darkness, The Universe decides to pull you out. What I have now is a gift I treasure beyond all others. What I have now, only few will experience in their lifetime. From an end, came a beginning. And with the meeting my twin soul-came the rebirth of my creative spark.
An idea that had once lived only on the stage of “ANIMUS”, now became a new reality. I founded PRIMAL FUSION WORLD DANCE. Walking away from belly dance, I was able to open a door to a new world that I could share, finally. Creating a dance style specifically for the use of cathartic purposes, I began to reestablish my love of dance and movement. From and end came a beginning.
Lastly, the hardest aspect of my life was the passing of my sweet best friend and dance partner for nearly 10 years, Kaala. A spiritual guide for me now, even in death, my serpentine friend is always a part of my heart and soul.
The great convergence of 2013.
I thinking of 2013 much life the myth of Persephone. Spending 6 months in the dark and 6 months in the sun. It’s not that my life was lived in shadows. It was that I needed to see the shadows as a gift. You can’t walk in the light–appreciate its warmth–until you walked in the shadows. I changed and evolved. Like a snake, I embraced the cyclical nature of my evolution and shed my skin. I started to become who I was meant to be. From the endings, came beginnings.
I have learned a lot this year:
1. Always trust The Universe-even when you think your world is ending–The Universe is doing EXACTLY what needs to be done for you.
2. Expect the unexpected.
3. Embrace your change. Even when things may not turn out the way you wanted, that change is part of your evolution.
4. Don’t worry about what others think. People who judge you are people you don’t need in your life.
5. Be happy and let go. You can’t move forward if you are living in the past and you can’t live life to the fullest if you hold on to regrets and what-if’s.
6. Take one day at a time. What was yesterday was yesterday. What is today is today. What is tomorrow is tomorrow. You can only live in the moments. Life is made up of all those little moments.
So 2013 was an a year of endings for me. I cant wait to see what 2014 has in store!