I am usually a happy person. But I have depression and anxiety and sometimes there are things I can control and things I cant. I usually know my triggers. When anxiety happens or the sadness enters, I try to experience the why and accept it ~ even if its accepting that the chemicals in my brain are a bit out of sync.
But sometimes I have a trigger—and I will do anything to avoid feeling the pain. Sometimes, accepting what has set off my anxiety and dropped me into the deep hole of darkness is difficult. I try my best to stay focused and positive, but sometimes, its to hard. Shamanism always talks about the “wounded healer” and I know I have many wounds (and may to come) over my life time. However, some wounds are deep. Some wounds will never go away.
Wounds from betrayal. Wounds from those who turned away from me when I needed them the most. Wounds from someone who allowed others to dictate their choices for them. Wounds from broken promises and false friendships. When those triggers happen–my anxiety elevates because deep inside myself, I feel a sense of loneliness. I am not really lonely. I know that rationally. I know I am loved. Its the feeling that I will always feel lonely–and that’s the irrational anxiety trigger. And there are moments in my life where I often feel that I am on the outside looking in. That I am different from others. That its hard to relate to people. I think if I had to pick a tarot card for myself, especially today, it would be The Hermit. I am in the state of mind of introspection, isolation and reflection. But it doesn’t mean its easy and it doesn’t mean its not lonely. All spiritual journeys, in someway, are lonely.
Part of this journey of life is being able to look within yourself — even the dark tangible bits of yourself. The parts that you know are palpable. The parts you like to keep hidden, but need to explore. We all have darkness inside us, but some of us choose not to accept it. Living a lie that we are all full of unicorns and rainbows. If you cant see the bad parts of yourself, how can you see the good parts. And if you cant see both parts of yourself–how will you ever see them in others? Wounds caused by you and wounds caused by other are part of that inner darkness that you must accept and explore if you ever wish to move into illumination.
I both am grateful and sad when I am in this state. I know the clouds will break and the sun will shine, but I also know there are realities within my spiritual journey that I have to face–even the dark ones. I know that during the time of tears and silence, I will gain some deeper understanding of things. I have will have new fuel to keep burning that fire within.
But right now……today…..I just need to feel.