There are moments in our lives when we have to accept that we made mistakes. That a choice or choices we made were not the ones we should have, and sadly, it was a choice we knew all along was wrong to begin with. There will come a time in our lives when we do not listen to our intuition and just do what we feel we “need” to do.
I have always listened to my instincts. My intuition runs deep and strong and it has always guided me to make the best choices I need to on my journey. Sometimes the choices are hard, but nothing is ever easy. I have always listened to my heart — except once — and I hurt a lot of people – including myself. If I had only listened to begin with–none of it would have happened.
Yesterday was my court date for my divorce. Its over now. Things ended badly because we had grown apart. We both made mistakes. Divorce is never a one sided issue. It takes two to tango and its the same for the end of a relationship. There is a reason why someone isn’t happy and there is a reason why someone wants to leave. Truthfully, however, I knew in the beginning my marriage wouldn’t last. It wasn’t that I didn’t love my ex. I did. But to get married–I shouldn’t have done it. My “reasoning” for getting married was because I felt I had to. I was 29 years old. All my friends were married. All my friends were having children. I felt left behind. I also felt some insatiable need to prove to everyone that I could be a “wife” — that me, the most nontraditional, free spirited person, could settle down and be normal. I felt that I needed “stability” – which in itself is a false word. Nothing is ever stable. Things are always changing.
Throughout the entire wedding planning process, my gut and heart kept telling me it was wrong. So much so that I became so that I was having anxiety attacks every day, sometimes to the point where I would pass out or vomit. My intuition was telling me to stop while my head kept telling me to keep going. I didn’t want to be alone. I needed to have someone. I needed to have a husband. It got to one a point that it was so bad that I had almost called off the entire thing, which, would have left me between a rock and a hard place. I would have lost someone I loved and also proved (at the time in my head) that I couldn’t be “normal” — I couldn’t be like all my friends — I couldn’t be married and happy and have a house and babies running around. So I did it. I got married.
I hated my wedding. The whole time I felt like I was living in someone else’s body. My intuition, my soul, it left me when I stopped listening. I got married and I shouldn’t have. I tried hard to be the wife — but I was also married to someone who wanted to the title of husband, but not the responsibility that goes with it. In turn, because I sent that energy out to the Universe – because I didn’t listen to myself to begin with — he picked up that energy. And then, over and over again, I was never made a priority. I became second or at times even third in his life. Eventually my soul was so tired of lying to itself. I had become a shell of who I was and was not becoming the person I was meant to be. And neither was he for that matter. And thus the end.
I hurt a lot of people because I didn’t listen to myself. All of this could have been avoided if I had just closed my eyes and listened. Followed by heart to do the right thing. Unfortunately I didn’t. I cared about my ex – but I shouldn’t have said “yes” and I shouldn’t have walked down the aisle.
In the end, I learned a major lesson. Always, always, always trust your gut. Listen to what it says. Don’t do things or feel you need something because someone else has it. What you have you are meant to have at this moment because its what The Universe wants. Do not force something that isn’t meant to be.
Sometimes we want our lives to be a certain way– to be the way that we WANT it to be. So we make it. Like taking clay to mold- we think we can just make our lives so it will be a duplicate of someone else’s. We also think its because its what we are supposed to do in someone else’s eyes.
Always listen to your intuition, even if the ultimate decision will be painful, its better than pretending everything will be ok. If your heart is telling you you need to let go of something or someone, you need to do it. Even if in the end you know it will hurt and be painful.