Can Shamans Hate? **SENSITIVE TOPIC**

Well, yes we canShould we? No.

I wrote a similar post to this after the Boston Marathon Bombings. I am writing this because today a beautiful woman who was murdered got justice. Her family (who I am friends with) have some peace of mind knowing her killer is behind bars for the rest of his life.

I write this because, well, it needs to be said. I had a friend die young 9 years ago from “unknown causes” but was in a heavily abusive relationship prior to her passing. When she died–I felt so many emotions. She was young. Had her whole life ahead of her..and then she was gone. I went through the stages of grief, but I remember feeling so angry. It didn’t need to happen. Why would The Universe do that?

Hate is an emotion. Anger is an emotion. They are not necessarily attached to one another. You can be angry-and not hate. When you hate something it means you have an emotional attachment to it—and if you have an emotional attachment to it-it means you care about it. It matters to you. And it could be a person, place or thing. The spiritual question then is,”if you are on a spiritual path to love all–how can you prevent anger and hatred?” You cant. You are human. It’s natural to be angry with things-so angry you hate them. But….


It’s not healthy. Sending out negative energy and emotions will fall on you.You are only keeping that emotional poison within-in yourself. And when you do that, whomever, or whatever it is, that you are having those negative emotions towards–they have power over you. Whether you like it or not, when you hate, you surrender your power to another. The more negative energy you send out–the more it will come back to you. Even justified anger. Even “justified hate.” The Universe doesn’t want you to feel those emotions. And it sure doesn’t want you to lose your spiritual and personal power to someone who hurt you or your loved ones. To make something/someone matter so much that they own your emotions–its only damaging yourself.

Now…..onto something else.


The Universe is all about balance. Good and bad. Light and dark. It’s all about making sure everything is held in harmony. Everything–every person–we are linked. We are all destined to meet certain people, go certain places and do certain things.

**Please note that what I am about to say does not mean that I think murderers, rapists, etc. are “justified.” They will have to live with their consequences of their actions, the karma that follows and The Universe will ensure that balance is restored.**

When we are born, we are born with a specific karma–and specific bits of webs that we spend our entire life sending out to attach–even if temporarily–to another person. People have asked me, “why do bad things happen to good people,” ~ and my answer is “you can’t control someone else’s destiny.” When someone is murdered–it obviously doesn’t make sense to those left behind. But, the destiny of those two people were already entwined before they came to this Earth. Why?

Perhaps that person had to leave this planet that specific way, to ensure that the person who did the crime doesn’t hurt anyone else. Or that they had to break a cycle of karma. Or someone-friend or family left behind from the tragedy–will create something so powerful to give to others.


Yes, I know, it doesn’t make sense. But I don’t believe The Universe takes without giving.

I know a lot of people will disagree with me, and that is fine. Through my experiences with death–planned or unplanned–young and old.

I truly believe that everyone who passes suddenly–violently or not– crosses into the Other World with known reason that they have created some higher purpose for those they left behind. The persons spirit was here to assist and teach others a lesson–whether about the power of love, and healing–the power of community–the power of resiliency. When they pass, the leave this Earth, and those who touched them, with a deeper purpose. Those left behind are now set back onto their journey with a reason to continue–for they know now truly–that life is short and has meaning. Those spirits they left us, have finished their task–and now they guide us from the other side.

And with that–I light a candle-say a prayer and send out love, healing and positive energy to all those who have lost someone suddenly. Know that the person is guiding your journey–holding your hand–and giving you wisdom from the after life.



On The Longest Day of the Year……

I find myself missing a lot this Summer Solstice.

I miss being able to celebrate today with people of like mind. I miss being a part of spiritual group. Something consistent. Having a sense of a “family.”  Spiritual “communities” now are always full of egocentric people playing the holier than thou card. Or are to out of range that while their intentions are good, their feet are not firmly planted on the ground. Being spiritual and not religious–that’s a hard thing. There are no “churches” for Neo-Pagan Shamans. We are either solitary or we find other like ourselves.  I have tried starting my own little group. Trouble is, its a lot of work to write rituals and get a group going. Its a lot to find people who want to get together regularly.

I miss my family-in the backyard, with my dad cooking on the grill. Eating dinner on the back porch in the summer. I haven’t seen my parents in 3 years. My relationship with them has gotten better–mostly because I have worked on myself–and realized things I couldn’t accept before. I miss old friends. I miss silly conversations. I miss nights out. Creating silly memories. 

I miss the feeling of feeling like I should be normal. I am not normal. I will never be normal. Its not in my life to be normal. But sometimes, it was nice to wake up and think, “yes, I am just like everyone else” ~ even though I know that’s a lie. I am not like the regular folks out there. I am not a traditionalist. I never will be.



I will never feel totally stable. I am always seeking. I am a seeker. I will always be searching. And sometimes searching means introspection and acceptance. It means realizing that in what you let go and miss the most — there are things gained. Life, I think, is much like having a good book. Sometimes, you like to re-read chapters and remember the chapters–and see how the characters enfold. How they grow chapter to chapter.

I have a had a lot of changes the past few years. I have shed my skin so many times its hard to keep track. And while I miss a lot of things, I have gained a lot. But I know, that I will always feel like there is something missing.

And I am always going to be trying to find it—whatever it is.


Community Turf

My partner and I were sitting outside drinking coffee one morning, watching people in the neighborhood walking by. Mindless and in their own space. When we go for a walk and see neighbors, we realize that no one says “hi” to each other anymore. Then we both realized that we live in a cultural society where no one talks to each other. The days of asking a neighbor for cup of milk or knowing how their family are doing is well over. No one bothers to get to know the people who live right next door.


We recently had an incident where we were outside drumming in the middle of the day. Something we do often. When suddenly a neighbor who we hardly see or speak to, stormed up our steps and very rudely told us to “cut the shit” because he was tired of listening to us. And….if he had to come over to our property again to tell us to stop then there wold be trouble. We are drummers and musicians. I am a performer. Drumming and dancing outside is what we do. We were not loud. We were not playing drums in the middle of the night. We were doing what we do every weekend. Enjoying the weather and the earth beneath our feet. The fact that this man felt it necessary to become so hostile to us when we don’t even know each-other just frankly pissed me off. Mind you, he has no issue with landscapers mowing his lawn at 6 a.m. on a Saturday morning. Had he actually opened a dialogue with us (for instance, your drumming maybe to loud, rather than threatening us) he would have learned who were are and what we do. It would have opened up a bridge for communication. Naturally, my partner decided later to kill with kindness and go over and talk to the guy, who ended up, eventually, apologizing and opening up a conversation. We had to have a forced dialogue because of hostility and lack of knowing one another and respecting one another. In other words, my turf is my turf – and even if you live on your own turf – you are affecting my turf and well—fuck you.

tribal fashion3

We are all individual cells. We all do our own thing. Introverts, extroverts–we go about our business on a daily basis doing what we as individuals need to do. The thing we all forget is that despite the fact that we are individual cells, we are also part of a larger organism. The organism of humanity.

There no longer exists in modern society–a sense of community. The individual cells stay separate-only connecting when its necessary-and for no other reason. Not to celebrate. Not to communicate. Not to reach out. Unlike tribal societies that celebrate the ups and downs of their communities; who function as a whole unite while maintaining individuality; and who have assigned roles that contribute to the whole–we would rather just turn our face away and ignore each other.

There is no community. The word community in modern society should be termed “community turf.”


The “communities” that do exist in modern society are often broken and covered in a falsifying fog. There is always “leader” in the community, and that leader, whether consciously or not, generates the energy that will flow into the specific populace they have created. The issue then becomes one of control and isolation. If you don’t fit in to their idea of “community” then you are not a part of it.Often times the “head” of the community is someone who thinks they are doing something great, but in essence, they are trying to work out their own issues, dragging others into their mire.  The sheep will follow. Like attracts like. Even in the “best” communities there are those who think they can do it better.


The problem then becomes, what about these individual cells? The ones who don’t fit into a community because they see the whole organism rather than separate pieces?  We gravitate to those individuals cells but never root ourselves into a community. We are the floaters. We wander but never ground ourselves in. Is it a bad thing? Maybe. But sometimes being a floater means realizing that there are things wrong in society. And lack of communication, friendship, reaching out and knowing one another only separates the cells further and further away.

But until we are able to be like tribal communities in other parts of the world, the sense the human organism becoming whole will never happen.



Shattered Dreams and a Sore Ass

It 2:47 a.m. I have been awake since 1 a.m. My sleep cycle has decided to go completely wonky on me yet again. I have always struggled with insomnia and strange sleep cycles. It took me awhile to learn that my insomnia typically kicks in when my depression/anxiety are triggered.

I have been so doing well with dealing with my depression and anxiety issues–so well that my doctor wants to start weaning me off the meds in November. I am much happier than I have ever been. And I am also much more cognitively aware of when my anxiety is set off by something irrational. I typically recognize it now and am able to talk myself down.


Except–when I have something happen that sets off tornado with me stuck in the center of the spin. See, I have worked in healthcare for 15 years. When I started, it was because I wanted to help people. I landed a great job working in oncology and loved it. But then there was a small shift where the word “volume” started being used more. It bothered me. I left and tried a stint working in an ADHD clinic and a hospice–still “volume” and now “numbers” were the key words. Finally I started working in internal medicine, made my way up the ladder to become Practice Coordinator–and while I love my job–and my staff–I despise the industry. Health care has changed. And not for the better. People are numbers. The more patients a doctor sees the more money the industry makes. Then the doctors of course are overwhelmed because they have to see X amount of patients in a day, which leaves little time for “real” care–and makes the patient upset that they felt rushed. Naturally of course stressed out doctors–lead to angry patients–who typically take it out on my staff since we are “front line.” To add to that, insurance companies are refusing to cover the cost of anything. We recently had a patient who needed and MRI because he had lumps shown on a chest x-ray. Cancer more than likely. The insurance company told him he had to wait a year for the MRI because he already had an x-ray so the doctors could work with that!


Frankly, its gotten worse, and its gotten disgusting. And for someone like me, who is an empath and shamanic practitioner, working daily for an industry that treats people more and more like cattle is quite literally eating my soul. Everyone is so stressed from the patients to the doctors to the staff–that you cant help but feel overwhelmed by energy vampires. And I don’t blame any of them. It’s the health care industry as a whole, that has now become a corporation of “bring ’em suck whatever money you can from them and get them out.” Wash and repeat.

With that said, I had a long-term goal of opening a Wellness Studio in my area. There are not many and I thought that a Wellness center where people can come and focus on whats important–there well-being–would be a great off set to the shitty healthcare we have in this country. I wanted a small storefront that sold candles, incense, books, Cd’s, statues, singing bowls, crystals, etc., but also have a space that offered dance and movement classes, reiki, drumming, rituals, women studies, meditation circles, art classes and more. A place of healing that wasn’t about medicine, MRI’s or volume. A place where you could walk in and feel like you were in a place of healing. I have always wanted to open a store since I was 13 or 14. My aunt always said I would own a “witchy” shop…..And I feel that the time do so is now.


I focused all my intentions on finding the right place and getting the funding. Prayed to Ganesh daily. Did affirmations. Looked for spaces, saved money, applied for grants and loans. I finally found a perfect space. Right in my area. Perfectly located. I was so excited that I applied for a loan. Meanwhile, I started working on getting the DBA license, calling the zoning committee and the local business committee in the neighborhood. This was really happening and I had no doubt I would get the loan. My credit is perfect-after years of hard work to pay off my debts. There was no reason why I shouldn’t get the loan. So as I was joyfully waiting the conversation—-my dreams shattered on the floor. I only got half of what I needed to open the store. And whatever money I had combined would not be enough.



It hit hard. Woke up my depression. The store was going toaspecial place. And I was going to be self-employed. I wanted something that would make people feel good–to really help them. It was also my ticket out of the health care corporation. My place was going to be a place of self-healing and self exploration. I felt everything in me fall. It’s not going to happen. Well, not now.

It hurt more than any pain I have experienced before. Mostly because I had set my expectations so high only to have the drop.

Lesson learned: don’t have high expectations, that way you wont be upset if they don’t come through

Naturally I have spent the past 3 days feeling sorry for myself. Feeling like I failed. But here I am now, not sleeping, shaking the dust off my ass, and coming up with my new business plan. New plan: start small. Store first. Wellness studio later. This means waiting longer. It means still having to work for a corporation that only sees humans as dollar signs. Its means that my perseverance is going to have to be a hell of a lot stronger than it was before. My resilience has to be unbreakable. Oh yeah. I WILL DO THIS. I will have my dream come true. I will own a place of healing where people can come and learn about themselves and create a sense of peace in their lives.  It’s obviously going to take more elbow grease. I did accept the half of the portion I needed. The rest is now all up to me. Its means being patient. Patience is not a virtue I have quite grasped yet.


When you are a kid, they say “follow your dreams,” but they neglect to tell you that yes, follow your dreams, but don’t expect them to happen right away and don’t expect the road to be easy. I think we should say, “follow your dreams but be prepared to fall on your ass a few times before they come true.”


Well, I fell on my ass. Now its time to get up and keep following my dreams until they come true! Even if that means I need to fall on my ass a few more times!