Instantaneous Spiritual Awakenings…..

~*Out of respect for those who have positive experiences or believe in the power of ayahuasca, I am omitting names of both people, groups and shamans from this post. Everyone has their opinion and this is solely mine. I know many people who have had life changing experiences and I respect and honor that.*~

Last year, while I was deep in depression and anxiety issues, I started hearing more and more about the magical plant “ayahuasca.” For those unfamiliar with it, I will sum it up this way: It’s a plant from the nightshade family and contains DMT. Done in small doses by a genuine Shaman, ayahuasca is meant to bring a profound and cathartic spiritual awakening. To quote someone who had taken the trip to Peru to try magical plant “its like psychotherapy on steroids.”

images (3)

I really needed something to shake me out of the funk that I was in. Drowning in depression, I began to learn more and more about this magical herb, which, if taken correctly is non-addictive (though illegal in the US). I am a deeply spiritual person, and felt that part of my depression was caused by a lack of spiritual communion. I went from daily routine to nothing. At the time, it felt though someone had taken my soul and left a void. I began to meet more and more people who had taken the ayahuasca journey with great success. I thought about it, sought out retreats (most of which are in the middle of Peru) and started making plans to go on a journey and take this magical plant.

After a few months, I began to notice more and more stories and retreats popping up. I know the idea that when you are aware of something you see it more, so initially I thought that was it. But the more people I met in the spirituality community the more I learned that ayahuasca was and is, becoming a new fad for the Westerners. Primarily because most Westerners think by traveling into the jungles of Peru and drinking a concoction of magical herbs and plants, they will receive instantaneous spiritual awakenings.


When things become a “fad” its more than likely going to start turning into something that is not what its original intentions were. And that is what I began to see happening. More and more people taking ayahuasca…more and more “shamans” available. When I initially looked into retreats, there were maybe 2 or 3–now there are a dozen. Who is to say that the people you are working with are “genuine” ~ Additionally, there are very small groups who perform ayahuasca rituals in the U.S. – and to become part of the group you need to know someone who knows someone. A completely underground world.

The other thing I had begun to notice were those who were painting or drawing the ayahuasca visions–were all drawing nearly the same exact imagery. If there is supposed to be a personal spiritual experience during the hallucinations-why were all these people creating the same imagery. Additionally, some of the people were already using recreational drugs, so ayahuasca was just another “spirit journey” for them. And some of these people still had pent-up residual psycho-social issues. So their contrary words of the power of ayahuasca had really not changed them, aside from taking them on a trip.

Now, I am not saying that this occurs all the time. I know many people who are in a good state of mind and have had magical and transformative experiences with the drug. And I am also not saying that specific drugs, like peyote, under the guidance of a genuine shaman (one who has spent years studying plants) can not bring about a spiritual experience. I do believe in the proper hands, specific hallucinogens and ritual can create a deeply moving experience.

However, my thoughts are this. I believe most Westerners are looking for instantaneous spiritual awakenings. We live in a world where it is a get in now mentality. You can download music rather than go to store, order items on-line and have them the next day. There is no waiting or working. So rather than spend the years that are involved in spiritual atunement, they turn to a “quick” method of spiritual awakening. I have been working on my spiritual path for 20 years. And I am still learning. Spending thousands of dollars to spend time in a jungle to drink something – or finding an underground group who participates in ayahuasca circles, is not going to bring a lasting spiritual experience.

images (4)

A spiritual awakening is something you continually have to work on and maintain. And it doesn’t happen overnight. It doesn’t happen by smoking or drinking a hallucinogenic. Sure these may “open your mind,” but you get the same effect from deep meditation and relaxation techniques. Or via ecstatic dance and drumming. I believe the people who do have the instant spiritual awakenings are those who have had near death experiences. Only because they have been to the other side and back. They have a new perspective on life.

If you want to become more spiritual you have to spend years working on it. You have to find your ebb and flow. You have to awaken your souls journey and take the long and arduous steps to get there.

There is no such thing as an instantaneous spiritual awakening,

The Great Awakening

I am writing this a week early, as by this time next week I will be celebrating my birthday in Arizona. As most of you know, I always consider birthdays as “new years” ~ unless of course you were born January 1st. I was born November 1st, so that’s my new year.

A lot has happened since my birthday in 2013. Last year was my “Rebirthing” –  The beginnings of my new year were hazy and dark. My husband and I divorced. I spent a lot of time inward. Discovering who I was and what I needed. Yes, it was my selfish year. The year I spent on me. Taking time to notice and accept my subtleties. I spent time releasing the person I was—the person I always was, but was afraid to let out. All the ideas, feelings, things I held in–I had finally let out. I essentially was on a painful journey of rebirth–shredding my skin to bits to reveal both my light and dark sides. No one ever wants to look at their dark side, but in order to discover yourself-you must do it. I learned that I had been living a life that other expected me to live–and was avoiding my true authentic self. That may sound insignificant, but when you realize that you spent many years living your life to make OTHERS happy–you realize how much you are suffocating. The first 7 months last year were trying times. I walked along shadows. I saw the ugly bits of myself, accepted them and then learned to change them.

It wasn’t all bad. My close friend and confident and I fell in love. And that has been a blessing because sometimes the person you are meant to be with is right under your nose but you never know it. I learned to accept and acknowledge little surprises The Universe brings. I learned that you may think you are going the right way, but The Universe is actually pushing you towards another.


The last 5 months of last year I learned truly what my purpose is. My life purpose. I started to take actions to make those things possible so I can move forward. I learned that the career I had chosen years ago because I thought it was the right path for me, really wasnt. And so I will be starting my new year gaining the appropriate skills so I can do what I am truly meant to.

I have decided to call my 2015 New Year “The Awakening.” ~ I had my rebirth. Now I am awakening. I see the world differently and I intend to continue steadfastly trusting The Universe more and more and allowing IT to guide me, rather than myself treading water to find where I am meant to land.

I will be start my Awakening in Arizona–Sedona. One of the most spiritual places in the United States. A place I have never been, but always been called to. A place where, ironically enough, is part of my life’s purpose. I will be spending my birthday/new year finally letting go of last year and opening my eyes to a brand new clean slate.

2013 I learned a lot about myself. It was a great “REBIRTHING” for me….

Now its time to awake.

For the Sake of Samhain

In honor of Samhain, I decided to post some paranormal things that have happened to me over the years.

I am an empath/clairsentient/clairaudient—basically what that means is that I can feel emotions/energy shifts of people (dead or living), items or places. Additionally I can hear/speak with those who have crossed over. I also have obtained a strange “gift” of being able to see deceased “crossing over.” Every time different. I remember as a kid, I was always a sensitive. And its rare that I have been scared. My grandmother and most of my of the women on my maternal side–have been able to communicate with the dead in someway. We all have dreams and we all have seen or spoken to spirit. You can say it runs in the family. I am the only one who besides my gran–who keeps myself in constant touch with “the gift.”

The house I currently live in and have lived in most my life-is full of energy. I have felt and seen “portals” within the house. Often orbs or strings of light will appear out of thin air, voices will be heard, animals will appear, smells and strange noises will come. Anyone who has come over and stayed for an extended time has experienced something. I love those orbs! Never threatening. In my experience with the portal, spirits and energy is allowed to move freely from one dimension to another. I always acknowledge the presence of the spirits when they come and ALWAYS make sure that I cleanse my home daily with sage or frankincense.


When I was in high school, I lived in a haunted house in Brockton. When my family bought the house, we were told that it was haunted by the previous owners. We all had experiences. We heard a mans voices. Heard foot steps. And I was young and stupid–and made used the Ouija Board. I was never fully aware of the gifts I had at the time, though I knew I could communicate with those that crossed over via automatic writing. My mother had given me her old Ouija board–and being young and stupid, I used it. One night my family and neighbors were using the Ouija when nothing happened. We started having a normal conversation when suddenly, I felt my left arm go numb. Whenever a spirit wants to communicate or let me know they are in the room, my left arm always go numb. I told them “it wants to speak” ~ no sooner had myself and my neighbor Bob put our hands on the oracle which did a sharp point towards the bird-cage in the order when all the candles fell over and the bird-cage! The room went pitch black and of course–we all were a little freaked out after that.

Another time, my family and friends (some of who are skeptics) again were using the board when a spirit came through. “NATHANIEL SILSBY”. He was very clear and very open about where he lived and who he was. We wrote everything down and put it aside. A few months later, my cousin and I went to Salem and were walking around the cemetery–when there, before us, was Nathaniel’s grave stone!! I was able to get into the library in Salem and did research on Nathaniel. He died during a house break in. I think he just needed to talk. I always think of him when I go to Salem.

My last experience with the Ouija was definitely my last. My mother and cousin and I were using it..I was in the other room doing automatic writing and they were using the board. I felt sick to my stomach. Seriously sick. I felt the hair rise on the back of my neck. Really bad and frightening images came into my mind. Fire and lots of anger. I suddenly heard my cousin say “stop!” ~ I went into the other room when sure enough, the writing I got, was the same that was coming through the board–and that spirit was pissed off. After that, I locked the board away and never used it again.


As I matured and studied the magick arts and how to keep myself and those around me safe – I have continued to communicate with the other side. The hardest gift to explain is that I am able to see when someone crosses over. It’s like watching a TV image in my head. I will see the person walking to the other side. What I see is not the idea of “heaven” ~ when I see someone cross over, I see a big green field full of warm sunlight. I always acknowledge them. Sometimes I will see them and they will linger–either wanting to tell me something or asking for permission to leave. The hardest images to see are those who have committed suicide. I have only experienced it once, but it scared me. I can feel the confusion and lost and I can see the person stuck in a room and they are lost. At one point I had to literally shut myself down because the images and emotions I got were painful. Eventually I was able to tell the person it was ok.

For me walking into rooms, I can tell if there is energy or spirits–which there always is. I can tell dark from light. I always make sure to cleanse myself every day. I always tell others, we all pick up energies…and we always pick up others people junk. If we are feeling low, it’s a perfect time for dark energy to stick to us. We all have the ability to work with the other side – but making sure we take care of ourselves is the most important.

And by all means..avoid the Ouija!

Living To Please

I always tell people that I do not live to please others. I know it sounds harsh, but truthfully, its a statement we all should take into consideration.

Not living to please others does NOT make you selfish. When you live to please someone, you are sacrificing parts of your own happiness. When you live to please to others, you push away what you need and want. And living through others can also make you lose perspective and awareness of yourself. In reality, living to please others can cause break down of relationships, friendships and marriages.

Its about your own happiness. You can live FOR others—as long as you are happy with yourself of course. You can give love to others if you don’t love yourself. But you cant live to please others.

Living to please people forces you to give away a part yourself–which in the end—can be difficult to find when its all over.

Don’t live to please. Live to be happy so you can share your happiness and love and give that back to others.


The Power Over: Flight of the Hummingbird

With so much going on in the world right now, and of course, governments trying to quell fears and tell lies that “everything is going to be ok” ~ I have learned that we live in a “power over” society. Unfortunately, a power over society makes people afraid to take leaps of faith, be themselves or even be accepted. Its forces people into believing that others will and always will, have power over them. A power over can be anyone or anything: family, governments,  finances, a job, a friends. Anything that makes you feel if you don’t have it (or them) you can not survive.

It took me a good long while before I realized that you can fight a Power Over. I recently had a head injury that put me out of work for 3 weeks. I don’t care much for my job and have been on a job hunt to find something that suits my abilities and creativity more. I have wanted to leave my job for a while, but fear has kept me frozen. The power over finances, and what if’s. During my three weeks home I wasnt allowed to go online, watch tv, use the phone or even read. Which meant I spent a lot of time on reflection.


Being a non-conformist, a person who walks against the grain, a person who does not want a conventional life, I find it difficult to live in a Power Over society. Especially in a country where wealth and job descriptions define who you are. I found myself making excuses, going against what I believe is in my heart and what my mind has been taught truth.

Then one day, when I finally felt up to it, I went for a walk. I have live in the same neighborhood my whole life. Truthfully its been for reason that really should not be all of my responsibility. My partner and I have finally decided to move the end of 2015, but I a part of me is still afraid to surrender.

In all my years living in the same city in the sam neighborhood, during our walk, I saw a little hummingbird. I have never seen a hummingbird in these parts. Let a lone a hummingbird who not only stopped to smell the flowers, but also stopped to give me a look. I got that feeling of calmness. That feeling that The Universe and the animal kingdom was sending me a sign. So naturally I went home to look up what the meaning of a hummingbird was:

  • fearlessness
  • Wisdom
  • resiliency
  • ability to overcome fears (even when you feel small)

At that moment, I realized, The Universe was sending me a message in a tiny bird–that everything was fine. That being able to close my eyes and be me–was OK. The Power Over started to disintegrate. When I got home, a feeling washed over me, one of great trust. I decided that in order to be happy I have to break the power over. I told myself that if I don’t have a new job that makes me happier in a few months, then I would leave my current job and just trust that the Universe will guide my little wings in the right direction. I started telling myself over and over again, “its temporary.” The more I reminded myself of that beautiful colorful tiny hummingbird, the more I realized that even those who feel small can overcome the Power Over.


Your happiness is what defines you. Not your money, your job, your hair color, whether you are living a traditional life style or not–its you happiness that defines you. A power over is something created by a society afraid to trust. A Power Over society is a fearful society. If we don’t play by the rules, if we make our own, we are bound for failure. Once you break the Power Over ideology, the more you can spread those tiny wings and take flight.