I feel like it’s been ages since I have written a blog post. It’s been a world wind – no—a tornado – of a month and half. We were involuntarily made to move out of our apartment back in April due to familial issues. We were planning on moving anyway, but our move was exacerbated by a family member with bad energy and unpleasant character moving into our home. It was a choice we were left with and moving was the only option on the table. At first I was excited. I have been craving a change more than anything. But everything happened so quickly. Within two weeks, we had whatever belonging would fit into our SUV and a rented U HAUL, and were heading 2300 miles across the country to Arizona. So fast.
I had lived with my grandmother my entire life. She was and I were very close, and my relative who intensified our move taught me a lesson—you don’t always have to forgive. What she did was wrong. And I, who am quick to forgive, cannot. She ultimately tried to take away my life, and she did, in part, separate me from the closest person in my life, but she didn’t make me less resilient. She took nothing away from me, and only taught me that in the end, that not everyone is deserving of forgiveness. Besides, karma is a nasty beast and will find its way to her quicker than she can spew any more dramatic lies to make her sleep better at night.
With that said, I can’t say that this change has been easy for me. In fact, it’s been the hardest thing I have ever done. Moving is one thing. Moving away from a place you called home for most of your life is another.
I am a very introverted person. Despite my “stage presence” and my work as a performing artist and producer, I am not very social. In fact it’s very difficult for me to be social and make connections with people. I have very bad social anxiety which sometimes is so bad I have had to cancel plans last minute because the idea of meeting someone just for coffee is overwhelming. When I do make connections with people—who will eventually become my friends, it’s very sacred to me. I don’t make friends easy because I need to feel joined to them somehow. It was very hard to leave behind the few connections that I had to move to a place where I know no one. It’s been a month since our move. I like where we live, though getting used to small town versus city is an adjustment. However, I am finding it very difficult to connect. In fact, the things that used to bring me pleasure—such as my dancing and reiki—have taken a far seat on the back burner. Actually, they don’t even interest or push me anymore.
What does that mean for me? Its means The Universe brought me to this place at this time for this simple reason: To reevaluate what is important and to spend time focusing on what really feeds my soul.
And this means diving more into my spiritual practice. I don’t need personal human connections for that—nor do I want them.
I am often reminded of the song by Kansas, “Dust in the Wind.”
“Don’t hang on. Nothing lasts forever but the Earth and Sky.”
And it’s true. Nothing lasts forever. Our time here is short. And when things happen—and when they happen fast and unexpectedly, it’s time for us to turn inward an reexamine who we are—who we THOUGHT we were…..and to figure out what is necessary to grow.
Or better yet- to unburden.
I have carried a lot of burdens on my shoulders. I have focused so much time and energy on others—whether it be caring for them, treating them, entertaining them… I have spent so much energy on making other happy that I have forgotten about me. And here I am in a new place where no one knows me. I can create a new destiny for me. Though it’s not easy. I am not sure how long we will be living where we are now. But I have no choice but to make the best of the situation. I have to look up at the stars and remind myself that I am only a moment. I am a blimp in time and space. And no one can take anything away from me. No one can unless I allow them to.
I am struggling here. And it’s not easy. Sometimes I think about just packing up and going back home. But then I remind myself that The Universe is doing this for a reason. I am meant to be here and now for some reason.
It’s only been a month. While I do not feel any connections now, maybe I will in a few more…..
In any case, I am here now—-and all we are is dust in the wind.