Awake

I recently attended a webinar by Dr. Steven Greer of the Disclosure and CSETI programs. One of the many amazing things he discussed was the idea of cosmic consciousness. It was a remarkable ideology that, while I had read about it, had never fully understood it.

Not until Friday, when SCOTUS riled that gay marriage is now legal nationwide. At that point I understood what cosmic consciousness meant. The air seemed lighter and the world seemed to be blooming with harmony as millions of people across the country—gay and straight—celebrated in something that should have been recognized decades ago. Millions of people sharing and experiencing love and joy – connecting all of us together. It was an amazing feeling to have love and harmony permeating the air rather than anger, disillusionment and fear.

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If only we could sustain that. If only we could have that feeling last all the time.

It shouldn’t take a court ruling to make us feel connected. We should feel that way always. It’s easier said than done, but I believe, someday, the more people who share the idea that we are all essentially one of the whole, then it will happen eventually. We can wake up and feel the magick of the cosmos residing not only in ourselves, but in everything around us.

I believe one day—we will all be awake.

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The Measure of Wealth

Learned something special today after hiking into Lava River Cave. It was a challenge to say the least…but we did the walk and I felt a sense of accomplishment I hadn’t felt before was we finished. And I learned what real wealth is.

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I live in one of the most beautiful places in the world. In 30  minutes I can hike in forests, caves, canyons and deserts. I am surrounded by beauty. And I am surrounded by abundance.

Money can’t buy that. And money can’t buy that sense of accomplishment.

It’s Time We Face Reality…….

Let’s just face it. We are raising a hostile society. We are raising children who have succumb to the age of technology. No socialization outside of school-unless it’s Facebook or Twitter. Or glued to the TV or video games. Sitting in a café with friends, each on their cell phones texting—ironically, one another. I have seen it on more than one occasion. No chatting or talking to each other, just glued to their cell phones.

The society we are raising is creating children who are out of touch with reality and in essence, humanity. In the wake of the murders in Charlestown, the realization that a 21 year old is that angry that he could walk into a church and kill people for no reason other than pure hatred is alarming. The fact that a 19 year old with his older brother could plant two bombs at a marathon line should be a wakeup call. How are people that young filled with so much hatred and anger?

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And let’s stop the labeling. There is hostility globally amongst races, religions, and cultures. It’s NOT whites killing blacks, blacks killing whites, Muslims killing Jews…Its HUMANS KILLING HUMANS.

Adding words racism, bigotry, etc. to the harmful actions of another human killing another human only adds to the hostility.  Using words like “mentally ill,” and “terrorist” only deflect the real issue at hand.

We are ONE race. THE HUMAN RACE. Plain and simple.  And when a human being decides to take the life or lives of others we should all mourn together instead of adding fuel to the already blatant aggression in our world by adding words like “race” into the mix.

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The world in general, is in desperate need of spirituality- not religion. Religion is manmade. Religious doctrines can be twisted and turned to manipulate someone’s agenda. Spirituality is the understanding that we are all spiritual beings experiencing a human experience—thus we can come together as one race and create, essentially, a world of togetherness. Where there is no separation from one another.

More than likely, it’s a dream. But something we should all strive for.

Finding The Change

I am learning that change is never easy—but it sure does feel good when you finally get in the swing of it. It’s been rough, adjusting – but I am finally feeling good…and doing what I love—connecting with nature.

It’s beautiful here in Arizona and the energy of the earth and land is buzzing. When I was at the doctors last week, a nurse mentioned that when she first moved to Flagstaff, she felt that she being “pushed out” – almost like she was being tested.

It made me wonder if the land chooses you—where you stay. It may be why some people move and never feel “at home” or why you can go someplace and feel like you have lived there before.

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We have been visiting a lot of places since we moved here, and I finally found a place that felt like that “to go place”. It’s called Picture Canyon. As soon as my feet touched the ground I felt an amazing familiarity and energy surge through my soul. I loved it.

I think we all need to find that place—no matter where we go—whether we moved, live somewhere, visit—finding that space where you can let go and be at peace, no matter what’s going on around you—or how your feeling. To let your feet touch the earth and know that you are safe and exactly where you belong at this moment in your life.

The Dark Side of the Moon: When the Light Fades

There is always a light and dark side to everything in life. And for those of us with depression, the dark side tends to be the most prominent. I have battled depression most of my life, with an attempted suicide at age 14 followed by panic attacks later in life and then several shrinks. I finally found a therapist I liked and from 2009-2013 I saw her and a psychiatric Nurse Practitioner during the darkest hours. I am very open about having clinical depression because I have to be the voice for the thousands out there afraid to talk about because they are afraid of being judged. In 2014 I was doing great—so great my social worker decided that she only needed to see me on as needed basis and my NP tapered my meds. I was feeling on top of the world.

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Then, I recently, and abruptly had a life change. Within two weeks, my boyfriend and I were packed up and heading to Arizona. There we were on a Saturday night enjoying some wine and sake listening to some old school tunes in an apartment I lived in for 15 years to suddenly packing boxes on Sunday, renting a U-Haul and driving 2300 miles away from the only place I had called home. It happened so fast I had no time to comprehend what the hell just happened. The whole cliché of having the carpet pulled out from under you—is serious shit.

Here we are in Arizona and the adjustment has been difficult. We went from a major city to a new town. We know no one. Have np physical support system here and are basically fending for ourselves. I have to find a job pronto to make sure we can pay rent which means finding meaningless work to pay the bills.

And what happens but that the dark side appears. I woke up one day in tears. I was crying to the point where I couldn’t stop. My depression had returned. YES—the move was the TRIGGER—but not the reason.

People who don’t have depression don’t understand what it’s like. Imagine that you are just moving along a bright sunny day when suddenly someone throws a pitch black can’t see shit bag over your face and never ever takes it off. It’s like that. A dark cloud that just doesn’t go away. And thoughts-bad thoughts come in your mind. And YOU CAN’T HELP IT. It’s just there.

I have had so many people tell me it’s the move. To give it time. To find joy in the things around me. Believe me…I am trying. We have gone to canyons, creeks, walked, enjoyed the beauty of the place—but my lack of happiness isn’t with where I live…it’s chemically going on in my brain.

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I think that’s hardest thing about depression–people think it’s an external thing that can be “fixed”–when it’s a chemical thing that can’t be fixed just “adjusted”….and I appreciate everyone’s helping…. but depression can’t be fixed with a walk or giving my move time…if it were…I would be walking all day every day and loving every bit of Flagstaff. It’s hard for people who don’t have a clinical diagnosis to understand that depression is not always due to outside circumstances. I appreciate everyone’s kindness and offerings of advice during times like this, but want I everyone to understand that it’s not going to “fix” what’s happening inside my head. I can’t just flip a switch and “be happy”—nor can I flip a switch and decide that all the chemical mishaps in my brain will fix themselves.

Being supportive is awesome. Being able to just be there—and listen—is even more awesome.