Get Your Sh*t Together

Sheesh! I literally have not blogged here in a long time! I know this blog has helped a lot of people over the years- so its time to fire it up again.

Update on me? Well A LOT has changed since my last post! I decided at the ripe age of 38 to go back to school (for a much-needed career change!), moved to Tampa, Florida…and am once again finding my footing in this crazy thing called life.

Truthfully, 2019 has been nothing but a roller coaster. Emotionally and mentally. It’s definitely been a journey of strength. Making a major life change is really not easy. Especially when you are an adult. You would think I would have my shit together by now—but does anyone really have their shit together?

No one does. Frankly, if someone thinks that they have a “perfect” life– they are lying. It may be great—but no one’s life is really perfect.

Let’s face it, we are humans. We are flawed. It still amazes me that we have existed on this planet as long as we have. So why are so many of us afraid to say that “No. I do not have my shit together.”

I also often wonder what it means to actually have your life together? Is it based on your education? Whether you are married with kids? Own a house? What is the actual definition of getting one’s shit together?

A dear close friend who changed my life back in 2002 passed away this year. One thing he always taught me was that we are all always seeking. In fact, he called some of us his “seekers.”

I don’t care how much money you have. I don’t care if you own a house or live in a cheap apartment just trying to get by…

You will never have your shit together…

We are ALL seekers. We are all seeking something from this world that will, even for just a little while, make us believe that we have our lives together.

I am still a rule-breaker, an outsider, a seeker— a little wiser, a little older– but still trying to get my shit together!

As I am sure you are as well!

Advertisements

Breaking The Silent Darkness

As most of you know, I am very open about my anxiety and depression. I don’t feel a need to hide the fact that I am on medication nor that I have days when the darkness is so thick I feel like I am going to suffocate. Yet, with all that said, I still struggle to tell certain people. Especially employers and co-workers.

I have major anxiety. Sometimes its so crippling I cant even leave the house. Yes, its much better controlled now. I have been in regular therapy since 2009 to teach myself new ways to think and break recycled thoughts; and medication have made it much easier to deal…but it doesn’t completely take it away. The thing that is hard for people to understand is that I do not always have a trigger. Sometimes, I just wake up feeling anxious—like the floor is going to fall out from underneath me. But I do have triggers.

635910017101254627-2001905247_Anxiety Girl

And one of those triggers is driving. I hate driving. I didn’t get my license until I was 21 because I hate the idea of getting in a car and driving. To this day I still struggle to drive on highways. I avoid it as much as I can. That coupled with social anxiety makes it worse. My dog helps with that…he is a good icebreaker. But I cant take my dog everywhere. So the idea of driving to a place I do not know AND seeing people I do not know…causes a panic attacks like an erupting volcano!

Hearing myself think these thoughts I often think I must sound like the most pathetic creature on the face of the earth. I am 34 and afraid to drive? I am 34 and cant even leave the town I live in? I had to, tell my boss this after she asked me to drive two and half hours to a town in a state that I just moved in. I was panicked. I told her I couldn’t because, truthfully, we have one car and I pick up my partner from work…..so a 5 hour drive plus time at the other office would make it impossible to circumnavigate schedules. But, I really wanted to  tell her the immediate truth….I have anxiety—and driving alone for 5 hours to a place I don’t even know—that triggered anxiety which triggered panic attacks. That weekend I tried really hard to tell myself how irrational I was being…But my brain didn’t care what I thought–it was on a loop of fight or flight. I even tried to get up enough courage to drive 45 minutes to a neighboring town that I have been before—and I started to go but then I got a wave of panic and had to turn around. Its paralyzing. Anxiety is paralyzing. Naturally this triggered even more “oh my Gods what if’s….” and my brain got my body so worked up I couldn’t leave the house the rest of the day.

2015-03-09-1425859224-5087651-NBuQoYuv

Finally I decided I needed to be truthful with my boss. She knew about my depression…and some of my anxiety…but not all of it. So I wrote her an email and explained what I feel, what my anxiety is like…and how I feel stupid I felt even having to admit these things. I was horrified of what the response maybe. I thought for sure, I was going to get in trouble–that she would think it was just an excuse or a cop out.

But no. It was the complete opposite. She completely understood. And even admitted that she has anxiety issues! I felt a huge weight come off me! It felt good! And I wasn’t judged….(so take that brain!). I had a new found respect for my boss after that to. She understood what I was going through….and that made a huge difference!

Sometimes, with depression, anxiety, or anything other mental illness…..you are so afraid that you will be judged by others–or that they will think you are just making up excuses. But in truth, despite how scary or nerve wracking–its best to lay out the cards. Tell it like it is and regardless, always hold your head up. Sometimes when you think you are alone—you really are not!