The “M” Word

I am an intuitive empath—-and a sensitive…

No I am not “sensitive” in the sense that I take things personally. I use the word sensitive instead of the word “medium.”

There is a lot of misconceptions around mediums and I don’t like using the word. And its a part of my job that I do not participate in.

Why? I have a gift to communicate with the dead? I always have. Since I was a teenager, when I was really able to “tap” into the other side, I was always able to communicate with people who crossed over. And I was always able to prove it. Like when a an who died in Salem in the 1600’s came to me (and my family members in attendance). Not only did we later find his stone in Salem, MA….but we also discovered his death records in the library archive and were able to prove that he did, in fact, communicate. He is now one of my spirit guides (yes Nathaniel that is for you!)–or he always was but wanted to prove to me he existed!

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Later,  I developed a gift for automatic writing. Where you allow a spirit to enter you and communicate through writing. I did of course–“dabble”— with the Quija board–which I do not recommend–EVER..After several scary incidents,including one in which a spirit or spirits managed to knock a bird cage over, knocked candles on the ground and the bird died the next day..all witnessed by others…..my 1965 Quija board is now locked away  But, with a ll that said, I could always tell when someone wanted to communicate. My mother, grandmother and aunts all have the ability. Dreams, feelings. They all know when someone from the other side wants to talk.

When I was 17, my cousin and my mother were in one room using the Quija board, while I was in the other doing automatic writing. Something did not feel right–at all. The spirit was writing a mile a minute and I felt like he was grabbing my arm so damn hard it took all I could to make him get out….At the same time, he was communicating via the board and my cousin pulled back and said enough. We both got the same message from the same spirit. He died violently and was PISSED. That was when I decided to not ever do that kind of work again.

But as a sensitive, you don’t just “stop” ~ spirits come to you in dreams, in the middle of the day, before they cross over…I see and feel them–and occasionally hear them. Orbs appear in my home on a frequent basis. I feel energy shifts around people who have lost someone. I stay clear away from funerals. While I have been able to hone my ability better—and tell them to leave me alone–there are always those that like to know I “see” them.

In 2005 when a friend died, I saw and communicated with her…and I told her mother. Her mother’s response was “why you and not me.” And that broke my heart.

I dont know why. Things just happen. When a friend commited suicide, I communicated with him..but who could I tell? No one. I let it be.

When I do reiki sessions on clients, relatives will show up. Friends show up. But II tell them I can not pass on messages for them. Its not that I don’t want to give the client the message–to let them know their loved one is ok. Sometimes, I will just say “does so and so mean anything to you,” and leave it at that.

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Its because being a sensitive brings on  A LOT more responsibility — you are now the “medium” between the living and the dead. And it breaks my heart when I see grieving person who desperately wants to hear those words form their loved one who or wants to see what I see but cant.  Some see that as blessing. I know, without a doubt, this world is not the end all….Being a shaman — a “walker between worlds” I know this. I knew that before I could journey or astral travel.

Its a part of my job I do not allow myself to actively participate in. When the dead come through, I tell them, nicely, to go away.

And sometimes its painful for me to do so because I feel that it is part of my duty–but I cant bear to see more heart break on those who have lost someone.

Rather, I empower them. Speak to your loved one. They hear you. They see you. They feel you. You don’t need people like me to tell you they love you and care. Nor do you need people like me to be the “m word” — you have the ability to have that direct contact. It just takes and open heart and the ability to listen.

I use my intuition for other things…..the spirits are welcome, they just have their boundaries.

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The Growth of the Butterfly

All of us are on a journey of self discovery–whether we realize it or not. Whether we want to or not. I have always been and always will be, starting new chapters in my life. Life is a book. Last year was the beginning and ending of a very long chapter. Yes, I am happier than I have ever been. I have found my calling. Learned what I want and need in order to grow, and have taken steps to follow through on my dreams. But along the way, I realized, that sometimes the more we love the more we have to learn; that nothing hurts more than holding on.

I have always had major trust issues with people.  I spent such long time fighting who I was and I wasn’t always true to myself. The past 10 years has been a struggle for me. The hardest part of changing and growing-is losing people in your life that you always thought would be there for you in the darkest of times.

I thought I was surrounded by friends who were essentially my “family” ~ friends who I truly believed would be by side regardless of situations. In the end, I only found the truest people were the ones I never expected. I remember at my wedding I had invited people who I considered family. Friends who I was involved with for a long time. Friends I cared about and who I thought cared about me. More than just casual acquaintances, but true friends. Then the day came when I got the text from my ex that he moved out and took everything we had together with him. I came home to an empty apartment-literally void of everything save a few pieces of furniture. Though I knew it was coming-though  I could see the writing on the wall–nothing is real until you see it. The illusion was finally shattered. My life was flipped upside down and I was forced to look at myself and the darkness inside myself that I pushed away.

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Devastated, hurt and confused, I texted, called and emailed my friends. Those who were at my wedding, those who were in my wedding and those who knew me long before I met and married my ex. The ones who I thought were apart of my life through thick and thin. Who I could count on for council, advice, a good laugh or just a shoulder to cry on.

Only three of my friends responded. Only three of my friends showed up at my door to be by side. And after days and weeks went by, only three of my friends even bothered to see how I was. The day of the divorce, only one of my friends was there to support me. None of the friends who I considered true friends even bothered to drop a line just to ask how I was doing. It was like I had ceased to exist. The curtains fell down and I just became another person. That hurt me more than my ex leaving and more than me having to face the darkness alone. I felt abandoned by the people I needed the most. Learning that all these relationships I had were nothing more than shadows. Maybe they didn’t even really exist at all. Maybe I created them – reveled in the idea that I had all these people in my life who I felt I could count on when shit hit the fan or I bottomed out. Everything was an illusion-a dream–gone in a puff of smoke and leaving me standing in front of a foggy mirror. I was involved in “show biz” then–a professional dancer and performing artist. A lot of friends were performers as well. Perhaps we were all actors?

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Months passed and still none of those friends even bothered to just see how I was. It was like they completely fell off the face of the world and I was left standing alone. I was suddenly shut out and shut off. It hurt. It still hurts. Save for my three friends who made sure I was ok. Friends who are only your friends when things are bright and cheerful–or when they need you for something–or can benefit from having you in their life for selfish reasons. TRUE friends and TRUE relationships in your life, are the ones where people actually care ABOUT you. When you are sick, down, going through a shitty time-they just drop you a line to say, “how are you,” or “thinking about you.” I started to delete them from my contacts. They became just more shadows of my former self.

It takes me a long time to forgive. Its something I am working on. But I have had to let go of a lot of people in my life because things were not what they seemed. Its hard seeing someone who you believed considered you family and think “wow, this person didn’t even bother with me when I needed them.” I remember the first time I attended an event and saw some friends who were at my wedding and they didn’t even bother to say hello–in fact, one of them walked passed me to get to the bathroom!

Part of growth, is realizing that not everyone is going to be with you along the way. It was a hard lesson to learn. And painful. It will always take awhile to forgive those people.

Now I am writing a new chapter–with new relationships–and learning to trust……all over again.

For the Sake of Samhain

In honor of Samhain, I decided to post some paranormal things that have happened to me over the years.

I am an empath/clairsentient/clairaudient—basically what that means is that I can feel emotions/energy shifts of people (dead or living), items or places. Additionally I can hear/speak with those who have crossed over. I also have obtained a strange “gift” of being able to see deceased “crossing over.” Every time different. I remember as a kid, I was always a sensitive. And its rare that I have been scared. My grandmother and most of my of the women on my maternal side–have been able to communicate with the dead in someway. We all have dreams and we all have seen or spoken to spirit. You can say it runs in the family. I am the only one who besides my gran–who keeps myself in constant touch with “the gift.”

The house I currently live in and have lived in most my life-is full of energy. I have felt and seen “portals” within the house. Often orbs or strings of light will appear out of thin air, voices will be heard, animals will appear, smells and strange noises will come. Anyone who has come over and stayed for an extended time has experienced something. I love those orbs! Never threatening. In my experience with the portal, spirits and energy is allowed to move freely from one dimension to another. I always acknowledge the presence of the spirits when they come and ALWAYS make sure that I cleanse my home daily with sage or frankincense.

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When I was in high school, I lived in a haunted house in Brockton. When my family bought the house, we were told that it was haunted by the previous owners. We all had experiences. We heard a mans voices. Heard foot steps. And I was young and stupid–and made used the Ouija Board. I was never fully aware of the gifts I had at the time, though I knew I could communicate with those that crossed over via automatic writing. My mother had given me her old Ouija board–and being young and stupid, I used it. One night my family and neighbors were using the Ouija when nothing happened. We started having a normal conversation when suddenly, I felt my left arm go numb. Whenever a spirit wants to communicate or let me know they are in the room, my left arm always go numb. I told them “it wants to speak” ~ no sooner had myself and my neighbor Bob put our hands on the oracle which did a sharp point towards the bird-cage in the order when all the candles fell over and the bird-cage! The room went pitch black and of course–we all were a little freaked out after that.

Another time, my family and friends (some of who are skeptics) again were using the board when a spirit came through. “NATHANIEL SILSBY”. He was very clear and very open about where he lived and who he was. We wrote everything down and put it aside. A few months later, my cousin and I went to Salem and were walking around the cemetery–when there, before us, was Nathaniel’s grave stone!! I was able to get into the library in Salem and did research on Nathaniel. He died during a house break in. I think he just needed to talk. I always think of him when I go to Salem.

My last experience with the Ouija was definitely my last. My mother and cousin and I were using it..I was in the other room doing automatic writing and they were using the board. I felt sick to my stomach. Seriously sick. I felt the hair rise on the back of my neck. Really bad and frightening images came into my mind. Fire and lots of anger. I suddenly heard my cousin say “stop!” ~ I went into the other room when sure enough, the writing I got, was the same that was coming through the board–and that spirit was pissed off. After that, I locked the board away and never used it again.

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As I matured and studied the magick arts and how to keep myself and those around me safe – I have continued to communicate with the other side. The hardest gift to explain is that I am able to see when someone crosses over. It’s like watching a TV image in my head. I will see the person walking to the other side. What I see is not the idea of “heaven” ~ when I see someone cross over, I see a big green field full of warm sunlight. I always acknowledge them. Sometimes I will see them and they will linger–either wanting to tell me something or asking for permission to leave. The hardest images to see are those who have committed suicide. I have only experienced it once, but it scared me. I can feel the confusion and lost and I can see the person stuck in a room and they are lost. At one point I had to literally shut myself down because the images and emotions I got were painful. Eventually I was able to tell the person it was ok.

For me walking into rooms, I can tell if there is energy or spirits–which there always is. I can tell dark from light. I always make sure to cleanse myself every day. I always tell others, we all pick up energies…and we always pick up others people junk. If we are feeling low, it’s a perfect time for dark energy to stick to us. We all have the ability to work with the other side – but making sure we take care of ourselves is the most important.

And by all means..avoid the Ouija!