I miss being able to celebrate today with people of like mind. I miss being a part of spiritual group. Something consistent. Having a sense of a “family.” Spiritual “communities” now are always full of egocentric people playing the holier than thou card. Or are to out of range that while their intentions are good, their feet are not firmly planted on the ground. Being spiritual and not religious–that’s a hard thing. There are no “churches” for Neo-Pagan Shamans. We are either solitary or we find other like ourselves. I have tried starting my own little group. Trouble is, its a lot of work to write rituals and get a group going. Its a lot to find people who want to get together regularly.
I miss my family-in the backyard, with my dad cooking on the grill. Eating dinner on the back porch in the summer. I haven’t seen my parents in 3 years. My relationship with them has gotten better–mostly because I have worked on myself–and realized things I couldn’t accept before. I miss old friends. I miss silly conversations. I miss nights out. Creating silly memories.
I miss the feeling of feeling like I should be normal. I am not normal. I will never be normal. Its not in my life to be normal. But sometimes, it was nice to wake up and think, “yes, I am just like everyone else” ~ even though I know that’s a lie. I am not like the regular folks out there. I am not a traditionalist. I never will be.
I will never feel totally stable. I am always seeking. I am a seeker. I will always be searching. And sometimes searching means introspection and acceptance. It means realizing that in what you let go and miss the most — there are things gained. Life, I think, is much like having a good book. Sometimes, you like to re-read chapters and remember the chapters–and see how the characters enfold. How they grow chapter to chapter.
I have a had a lot of changes the past few years. I have shed my skin so many times its hard to keep track. And while I miss a lot of things, I have gained a lot. But I know, that I will always feel like there is something missing.
And I am always going to be trying to find it—whatever it is.