We all have something: a person place or thing that lies just out of our reach. So close that you can touch it with your fingertips and yet it’s so far away. And it not that you couldn’t have it- but just that you can’t. You can’t because after all the wishing, work and desire- it is just not meant to be yours. You relish in your mind, the moment that you have it. Even for a little while. You relish the way it makes you feel. The way you imagine yourself in that place where you always wanted to go. Mending a relationship that was shattered. Holding something/someone in your arms that you can almost feel and smell. Hearing words you wanted to hear. All the magic in the world couldn’t change the fact that what you want you may never get. The proverbial “follow your dreams,” just doesn’t happen. It may to some, but not everyone. We all have an unattainable. And there needs to a moment where you take a breath and accept that the journey has gone as far as it can, and its time to let go.
There is always a light and dark side to everything in life. And for those of us with depression, the dark side tends to be the most prominent. I have battled depression most of my life, with an attempted suicide at age 14 followed by panic attacks later in life and then several shrinks. I finally found a therapist I liked and from 2009-2013 I saw her and a psychiatric Nurse Practitioner during the darkest hours. I am very open about having clinical depression because I have to be the voice for the thousands out there afraid to talk about because they are afraid of being judged. In 2014 I was doing great—so great my social worker decided that she only needed to see me on as needed basis and my NP tapered my meds. I was feeling on top of the world.
Then, I recently, and abruptly had a life change. Within two weeks, my boyfriend and I were packed up and heading to Arizona. There we were on a Saturday night enjoying some wine and sake listening to some old school tunes in an apartment I lived in for 15 years to suddenly packing boxes on Sunday, renting a U-Haul and driving 2300 miles away from the only place I had called home. It happened so fast I had no time to comprehend what the hell just happened. The whole cliché of having the carpet pulled out from under you—is serious shit.
Here we are in Arizona and the adjustment has been difficult. We went from a major city to a new town. We know no one. Have np physical support system here and are basically fending for ourselves. I have to find a job pronto to make sure we can pay rent which means finding meaningless work to pay the bills.
And what happens but that the dark side appears. I woke up one day in tears. I was crying to the point where I couldn’t stop. My depression had returned. YES—the move was the TRIGGER—but not the reason.
People who don’t have depression don’t understand what it’s like. Imagine that you are just moving along a bright sunny day when suddenly someone throws a pitch black can’t see shit bag over your face and never ever takes it off. It’s like that. A dark cloud that just doesn’t go away. And thoughts-bad thoughts come in your mind. And YOU CAN’T HELP IT. It’s just there.
I have had so many people tell me it’s the move. To give it time. To find joy in the things around me. Believe me…I am trying. We have gone to canyons, creeks, walked, enjoyed the beauty of the place—but my lack of happiness isn’t with where I live…it’s chemically going on in my brain.
I think that’s hardest thing about depression–people think it’s an external thing that can be “fixed”–when it’s a chemical thing that can’t be fixed just “adjusted”….and I appreciate everyone’s helping…. but depression can’t be fixed with a walk or giving my move time…if it were…I would be walking all day every day and loving every bit of Flagstaff. It’s hard for people who don’t have a clinical diagnosis to understand that depression is not always due to outside circumstances. I appreciate everyone’s kindness and offerings of advice during times like this, but want I everyone to understand that it’s not going to “fix” what’s happening inside my head. I can’t just flip a switch and “be happy”—nor can I flip a switch and decide that all the chemical mishaps in my brain will fix themselves.
Being supportive is awesome. Being able to just be there—and listen—is even more awesome.
Lately I have been hearing a lot about people saying how they are “broken.” Typically its when they have reached a low point in their life.
Sure, we all feel at times like we have been “shattered”—little pieces of slivers of broken glass all over the floor. At some point we maybe reminded that were “broken” into tiny bits when a wound gets reopened.
But, we are never broken. There is nothing about a person that cant be fixed. All of us all over the world have issues going on. Whether personal or public. Sometimes our problems are so grand that they leave us feeling like a wet mop in a dark dirty closet. And we see no way out. Sometimes are problems consume us. Its all we can think about.
We have all felt broken at some point in our lives. Some of us keep it in and weep privately, others are open. There is always that phrase “one door closes another opens.” Its that one bit of advice I hate hearing. Sometimes we are stuck between doors. One that has closed but can still be revisited and another door in front of us that is ready to be opened, but we are not ready to open it. So we remain in a hall way. Stuck between a door of new beginnings and a door of endings.
My advice is to remember that you are not broken—you experiencing something that will only make you stronger. And depending on which door you choose–the closed one where you can remain–or the open one—depends on how and when you are ready to move on from a situation. But you are never “broken,”
So coming from a person who used to think I was “broken” ~ here is somethings I do to remind myself that I can be put together.
1. Remember–its all perspective: Easier said than done, I know. But depending on how you look at a situation makes a difference on how you related to it. Losing a job isn’t always a bad thing–it maybe just what you needed–it was The Universes way of telling you that where you were at was not where you were supposed to be. Sure its scary as hell, but seeing it as a new opportunity to find a job or start your own is better than seeing it as a shut door.
2. Remember all the bad times: Yep. That door that was “closed”—well, you can still look back. But just don’t linger there. Think of situations where you felt shattered–torn–broken—a lost soul. Then remember who you have become. Remember that you have a resiliency inside you. If you made it through that–you can make it through another bad time. And truth is, there will always be bumps in the road.
3. Think of it as a challenge: Whenever I feel “broken” I always imagine that I am fighting some invisible force. I need to unleash those superpowers I have and prove to my invisible enemy–that I can win.
4. Don’t dwell to long on the closed door: Or you will miss the one that is wide open.
5. My mantra: NEVER BROKEN
We are never broken. Just facing a challenge. Make it your own. Learn from is the lesson you are facing–even if you feel like you cant put yourself together again–you are not Humpty Dumpty!
“Courage, above all things, is the first quality of a warrior.” ~Carl von Clausewitz
“The most courageous act is still to think for yourself. Aloud.”― Coco Chanel
I am a very strong person. I have a tough skin. I have a strong personality. But my strongest quality–is that I am real. What you see is what you get. I don’t sugar coat my feelings or thoughts. I don’t believe in being phony. I don’t believe in accommodating who I am just to appease another. I speak up when I see something wrong. When I feel like something is wrong….even if I know that what I am saying will make enemies and I will ultimately lose friends.
I believe in the power of struggle. I feel that we grow through experience–and live through our choices–good or bad. Yes, sometimes we fall so hard that it seems like we are drowning and will never breathe again. But this is what gives us the scars of the spiritual warrior. It’s what makes us stronger.
There are moments where I feel like this world is becoming one where people are relying on each other for the wrong reasons. Giving to people in need is one thing: a persons loses their house to fire, a person is seriously ill and insurance has stopped covering them, a person with a disability who can’t work needs a little extra help, a homeless shelter, a woman’s shelter, a trustworthy charity. I think those are the people/places who really need us to combine efforts and help.
I do not believe that we should live in a “give me give me” society. I feel personally that this world is becoming a place where people just feel that they are obligated to get things from others because of their choices–OR, because they feel they are privileged/popular enough that others should pay for their personal endeavors.
I don’t believe one person should work harder so another person can work less. Especially in the case of doing or getting something you need/want on your own. I believe in working hard to do what you need to do to survive. Even IF this means living on very little. We all struggle. But I feel at the end of the day–if you work hard to do what you to-send that energy out in the Universe-you will survive. Everything you want will come into fruition–even if it take a really long time or you need to struggle. If you have a dream of doing something big and amazing–and work hard to obtain that–it will happen.
My grandmother is 87 years old. She is the MOST influential person in my life. She is my inspiration. One of the two most important people in my life (the other being my amazing partner). She was forced into a German work camp in WWII at the age of 14. At 18, still living in the newly liberated camp, she met and married my grandfather and had my aunt. A year later–with NOTHING but the clothes on their backs–they boarded a ship to America. They left a world where they struggled to survive and then came to a foreign country with no family and few friends. They had nothing. They did not speak English. They had no money. And yet…..they thrived. They never asked for anything from anyone. They worked hard. The moved to Boston, got steady jobs, learned English, saved enough money to buy a house and a car (though my grandmother took public transportation — and still does!) and eventually raised four children–without asking for anything. I get that tenacity from my grandmother. No matter how low I have gotten–even if they meant living off of $10 a week….I made it. I knew it wouldn’t be easy. I got a job bringing home a measly $100/week-and yet still managed to pay my tuition, rent, bills, and buy basic necessities. I graduated as a Medical Assistant, Now I have an amazing job and an amazing life and I did it with a lot of sweat and tears and ramen noodles. I currently applying to go back to college in the fall, where at the age of 32, I can finally obtain my dream of becoming a veterinarian.
Does this mean I am not spiritual or lack spiritual insight and compassion? No. It just means that my values maybe a bit different from another persons. We live a world of shadows. People are afraid now to say how they feel. Being spiritual does not mean sacrificing your values or personal beliefs in fear of judgment from others. We are allowed to still speak about what we feel and think. It doesn’t mean you are “less” spiritual–less of a healer–less of a human–because you feel the need to address something that is constantly pushing your personal values over the edge.
I fear nothing. And I will never apologize for stating my beliefs or values, even if it’s at the cost of losing friends and making enemies.
I know in the end…whatever it is I need to face-I can and I will.
Part of being a spiritual person is having courage.
And as my favorite wizard Dumbledore said, “It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends.”
I came home from a quick run to the pet store to find my grandmother sitting at the kitchen table crying. I asked her what was wrong.
“I bought a whole bag of yarn and now I cant find it.”
She loves to crochet-especially in the winter. So yarn is in plenty at our house. She had literally tore apart the entire house looking for the bag of yarn.
“I cant find it,” she said, her head in hands. She is 86 years old and when stuff like this happens, its makes her feel like she is senile. I just told her, “stop looking and you will find it.”
“You think so?”
“I know so,” I said as I made my way up to my apartment.
I love when I get to dispense some wisdom on my grandmother, who often is the one dispensing wisdom to me.
We spend so much of our lives looking for things. We forget that the cycle is happening in which those things we seek are already manifesting.
Its when you stop looking when The Universe gives you what you were looking for. And sometimes what you are looking for is right underneath your nose.
We become blinded by the idea that we have to “look” and “want” something so badly that if we don’t find it, we feel desperate and at a loss. We become anxious, we become lost. We are trying so hard to find what we are looking for, that we become to blind to what is manifesting right before our eyes. Even when it seems that we are stuck in a cloud of doubt, The Universe is behind the scenes creating exactly what you need to evolve.
Humans are control freaks. We have hard time letting go. By this, I don’t mean being irresponsible. Yes The Universe is a magickal thing, but you cant just sit on the couch just expecting The Universe will handle everything. Of course you need to be responsible. But I am talking about accepting that which you can not control, and surrendering entirely to The Universe. Its in that moment that that what you are seeking will manifest.
That fabulous saying, “it happens when you least expect it,” well its true.
The best things in life happen when you are not looking for it.
As for the yarn….
My grandmother found the bag a few minutes after she said, “I give up,” and stopped looking.
“Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person being loved.”
I have been thinking a lot about love lately, seeing as the end and beginning of love has been a theme for me over the past 6 months. As an adult, a loving relationship means more than it did when I was younger. Before it was the swooning and the lovely bits. Now its about the bigger picture. It’s about cherishing the moments of love. Honoring and appreciating the moments of love. As an adult, love needs to mean more than just a word. Love is more than kisses and hugs and “I love you’s” ,,,,,,,
I heard a great quote on a TV show I was watching recently, “Men need to be loved. Women need to feel wanted.” It made me think about the word love. We are raised as children to say the word love and not understand the real meaning of it. We are told to say it. “Tell daddy you love him,” “Say I love you.” As children we understand that it means something “good” because we get a positive reaction whenever we are told to say it.
As we get older, we use the word all the time, “I love this color,” “I love this couch.” We throw around the word love in the most meaningless way. We say “I love you” all the time, because its such a major part of our vocabulary. But we lose the sense of connection to the word.
I believe if you are truly in love with someone, you know that no matter what happens, that other person is always there for you, even if you feel that they are not. There are no unrealistic ideas about your future or your relationship. That when the going gets tough-when things seem messy and endless-when things reach the ultimate low–they wont abandon you. They wont leave you because they want you and need you. When they want you, they will be by your side in the good times, and by your side when you feel like you are both at the brink of losing each other. The very idea that you may lose each other brings you closer together.
Anyone can say I love you. But only few can make you feel wanted.