The Dark Side of the Moon: When the Light Fades

There is always a light and dark side to everything in life. And for those of us with depression, the dark side tends to be the most prominent. I have battled depression most of my life, with an attempted suicide at age 14 followed by panic attacks later in life and then several shrinks. I finally found a therapist I liked and from 2009-2013 I saw her and a psychiatric Nurse Practitioner during the darkest hours. I am very open about having clinical depression because I have to be the voice for the thousands out there afraid to talk about because they are afraid of being judged. In 2014 I was doing great—so great my social worker decided that she only needed to see me on as needed basis and my NP tapered my meds. I was feeling on top of the world.

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Then, I recently, and abruptly had a life change. Within two weeks, my boyfriend and I were packed up and heading to Arizona. There we were on a Saturday night enjoying some wine and sake listening to some old school tunes in an apartment I lived in for 15 years to suddenly packing boxes on Sunday, renting a U-Haul and driving 2300 miles away from the only place I had called home. It happened so fast I had no time to comprehend what the hell just happened. The whole cliché of having the carpet pulled out from under you—is serious shit.

Here we are in Arizona and the adjustment has been difficult. We went from a major city to a new town. We know no one. Have np physical support system here and are basically fending for ourselves. I have to find a job pronto to make sure we can pay rent which means finding meaningless work to pay the bills.

And what happens but that the dark side appears. I woke up one day in tears. I was crying to the point where I couldn’t stop. My depression had returned. YES—the move was the TRIGGER—but not the reason.

People who don’t have depression don’t understand what it’s like. Imagine that you are just moving along a bright sunny day when suddenly someone throws a pitch black can’t see shit bag over your face and never ever takes it off. It’s like that. A dark cloud that just doesn’t go away. And thoughts-bad thoughts come in your mind. And YOU CAN’T HELP IT. It’s just there.

I have had so many people tell me it’s the move. To give it time. To find joy in the things around me. Believe me…I am trying. We have gone to canyons, creeks, walked, enjoyed the beauty of the place—but my lack of happiness isn’t with where I live…it’s chemically going on in my brain.

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I think that’s hardest thing about depression–people think it’s an external thing that can be “fixed”–when it’s a chemical thing that can’t be fixed just “adjusted”….and I appreciate everyone’s helping…. but depression can’t be fixed with a walk or giving my move time…if it were…I would be walking all day every day and loving every bit of Flagstaff. It’s hard for people who don’t have a clinical diagnosis to understand that depression is not always due to outside circumstances. I appreciate everyone’s kindness and offerings of advice during times like this, but want I everyone to understand that it’s not going to “fix” what’s happening inside my head. I can’t just flip a switch and “be happy”—nor can I flip a switch and decide that all the chemical mishaps in my brain will fix themselves.

Being supportive is awesome. Being able to just be there—and listen—is even more awesome.

The Illumination of The Universal Heart


Its Beltaine today. The Wheel continues to turn and we begin to reap what we have sown. Sometimes, the seeds that we planted no longer blossom or just refuse to bloom. Sometimes, the seeds that we planted shoot up to the sky and embrace the light and warmth of the beautiful star shining above us. 

In the end, regardless of whether our seeds bloom or not, we do, eventually, reap what we have sown. We must be humble ourselves and accept the choices we have made. In the end, they are our choices. The Universe may have plans for us. The Universe always lays before us its desire for us. It already has our destination mapped out. The Universe wants us to have balance and happiness. However, our choices and free will ultimately lead us to the road of the journey we must take. The Universe has the map, we just have to figure out which route to take.

 

There is an awakening that will ultimately occur in our lives, when we realize that everything and everyone is connected. Despite how big the world may seem, in the end its small. We are a small planet in a big expanse of Space. Everything is in balance. The Universe keeps everything together. The Earth rotates. The moon keeps us in alignment. The Sun illuminates our sky and sustains life. Our galaxy is connected to everything and everyone. 

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Regardless of how things turn out–there is always a reason for what is occurring in your life at this moment. The people, the events, the journey. It’s all occurring for a purpose. Even if that purpose is to teach us strength, or how to find the light in the darkness. Everything and everyone is connected. The people in your life may come and go–but they entered your life for a reason. The happiness and tragedy that encompasses life is always part of the plan. There is no such thing as “failure” ~ only lessons to be learned. Only new roads being laid before us. 

Its an understanding and awakening to that single idea of The Universal Heart. We all are ONE. We all beat as ONE in the grandiose scheme of The Universe. It doesn’t matter if your rich or poor, white or black, happy or sad. We are all from its stars. And as the Sun continues to shine, and our Earth continues to move, we learn that eventually, we do really reap what we have sown.

“Onetheism”–The One of the Many

I am constantly learning new things every day. I have always been that way. I am  a major book-worm. I will read anything. I mostly love reading history (ancient is best!) and spirituality books. Combine those two and my addiction for books about the history of religion becomes apparent.

I am a spiritual person. Though my beliefs lean more towards the “pagan” side–what I believe, can’t always be stuck in a box. I am always dabbling in something. Reading and educating myself on religion and spirituality. The ethereal mystical side of religions interests me, but the history of where and how they came into being is what really excites me.

Reading a lot of books about various religions, you begin to learn, that really…..all religions….all spiritualities are one.

There is no such thing has “monotheism” or “polytheism”–there exists only  “Onetheism”….

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Nearly every religion/spiritual practice has two things in common: The belief in a Creator and the branches of that Creator that assists humans on their spiritual path. Whether it be Gods and Goddesses, Orishas, Saints…all religions have the exact same system of beliefs.

What makes these religions/spiritual beliefs different from one another is the labeling. When a religion says that they are monotheists-yet “pray” to Saints for help–does that really make them monotheists? When a polytheist says “all Gods are one God,” — then they are stating they are monotheists?

Labels create conflict. When someone starts labeling things that should not be labeled–like beliefs–issues arise. Truthfully, most religious belief systems have the same ideologies: harm none, live a good life and do the best you can to make your human existence the happiest it could be all while helping others. There is a belief that a Creator (God, The Universe, Bondye) created our existence, but because the Creator is so busy–the Creator made other beings to help assist us on our journey (these beings being Angels, Saints, Gods, Goddesses, Lwa, Orishas, etc.) When you start to label a religion or spiritual process as “dark” “mystical” “monotheistic” “polytheistic” ~  you suddenly walk into that world we live in now, where rather finding our similarities in beliefs, we only focus on what makes us different.

I am a Onetheist. I believe in the one and the many. I am dabbler per se. I see no difference in a Wiccan petitioning to a Goddess and a Catholic praying to a Saint. It’s the same thing. I think more people should be onetheists. If we stopped trying to label ourselves as Catholic, Jewish, Wiccan, Christian etc….and just said, “I am a onetheist”–perhaps there would be less religious and spiritual conflict on our planet.