The Community of None

I am a member of several communities: the belly dance community, the reptile community, the pagan community. The list goes on and on. I am an eclectic spirit. I love so much and do so much.

One thing, however, that I have noticed, is the lack of community within humanity as a whole. People are always angry. Bitter, upset, blaming others, taking things personally. It seems to me, that people live solely for themselves. There is no outside. “Its all about me, all the time,” even when its not.

Aside from my “other lifestyle”-I work in healthcare. I love it. Its trying at times, but I love meeting new people and taking care of others. One thing I have seen however, is this complete lack of general empathy among people. Patients will argue over small insignificant meaningless things. They will have a cold and expect to be seen that minute, even though what they have isn’t an emergency. If there is an emergency situation they expect to be served before the person who is having the emergency. Other patients will be upset if their doctor is on vacation because they refuse to see the covering physician. There is this complete and constant need to argue. Yelling and screaming at people who are trying to help you is not going to make the process move any faster. There are some points in my day where I literally spend 10-15 minutes arguing with someone over something that is so small it seems like a waste of energy. And it is. By the end of the day, I am mentally and emotionally exhausted.

The other portion is people taking things so personally. Its overwhelming at moments. People who are just having a bad day, say the wrong thing and it gets misconstrued. People who are normally talkative and now are quiet have people thinking that the person is upset with them–rather than just having an “off” day. A doctor just spent 20 minutes with a patient and says something to someone else who takes the words and spins it around to make it about them. Its like we live in a society where we are constantly walking on eggshells. Anything can be taken the wrong way. Anyone can make someone an enemy in the amount of time it takes to blink.

Is is really all worth it?

I have an anxiety disorder. Its not as bad as other people I know, but its significant in how it shapes my life. On top of having anxiety I am also a deeply emotional, spiritual and empathetic person. Its hard for people to understand why sometimes, though I am mostly a social person, I have moments where I am withdrawn. And rather than accepting that I am having an “off day”~they take it personal. Surely I must be upset with them otherwise I would be chatty.

Have we come to a society where everything is suddenly a one person “all about me” issue? Are we so out of touch with one another–with the simple fact of the human condition–that we have to constantly take everything so personal? Or make mountains our of mole hills because its the only way we can relate to one another?

Times are hard now. People are stressed out over finances, work-just plain living. The world seems like an angrier place than it used to.

I do think there is a lack of spirituality in the world-and by that I don’t mean religion. I mean the willingness to look inside oneself and say, “you know what, its really not that big a deal-it really isn’t about me”. About accepting the Universal Law of what you ask for you receive.

If we constantly live inside our own minds, then the ability to understand others is null and void.

There has to be a point where we can step back from a situation and say, “I cant control that,” or “that person is just having an off day, its not about me.” Otherwise, we get into a loop of negativity–negative thoughts begat negative thoughts begat negative actions–and as whole–the collective energy of humans living this negative ideology spreads, and creates a cycle that is damaging to ones psyche–and the spiritual energy of the world in general.

Humans are not perfect. No one is perfect. But berating, arguing, fighting and finding a way to make things personal is not helping the community of humanity.

As an empathetic person, and as a person living with anxiety, I sometimes find the world a difficult place, though I do find time to find the beauty and peacefulness in the moments I am blessed with. However, I find myself becoming more and more withdrawn from people and finding myself more drawn inward than outward. I enjoy the moments of silence. After a day of work, where its hectic and non stop-I prefer isolation and solitude. Meditation, writing, painting help to ease my thoughts for the day. Its often hard for people to understand that sometimes, I cant deal with people around me. I need moments of solitude. Its often at these points that people take things personally. And I need to step back and realize, that that is their issue and not mine. Even though at times, I want nothing more than to make them understand.

Perhaps in the future, we will have a community of humanity. Where we cast aside issues, don’t take things personally and appreciate everyone for who they are not try to change them because they feel their personality is about them and not the other person.

The Lonely Sage

I am a Scorpio. For those unaware, here is a brief synopsis:

“Scorpio is the emotional dynamo of the Zodiac. No stranger to the subconscious mind, he reads the hidden motives of others with ease. You may see the Scorpio frowning with a deep hurt inside, or smiling delightedly with some secret knowledge. A keen observer of human nature he fears no enemy, because Scorpio sees all danger and knows the weaknesses of his opponents. To be his friend is to have the bravest ally, the fiercest fighter on your side. To cross him can be deadly. Scorpio is in tune with the forces of life and death, sexuality, birth, dramatic changes, danger, catastrophe and the powerful forces of man and nature. His ruling planet, Pluto, is associated with atomic power and the criminal underworld.The Scorpio is fascinated with anything that offers complete transcendence – spirituality, the occult, ecstatic or thrilling physical states or a complete renovation of some part of his life. To him, these experiences are like a rebirth. They make him feel alive because they give him the spiritual and emotional regeneration he needs.Scorpio is passionate and intense with loved ones. He values loyalty and bravery above all. He can be secretive, but is very open with his most trusted friends.”

I am run a full gamut of emotions and moods, but typically, I am full of life, the social butterfly. Except when I get flooded with what I call my “ecstatic state of ecstasy” –where noise literally disrupts my life. I need silence. I can not speak. Its almost like walking in a dream state. These moments can last days or weeks. Sometimes only a mere hour. I am completely in a zone of creative zen. Where ideas flow through me. My creative surges flourish and grow.

Its often when I am in one of these moods, that people are confused by my mental state. I don’t talk, I don’t want to engage conversation. I am physically in my body, though my spirit is elsewhere. They may speak, but I do not answer. I am channeling the spiritual creative force flowing through me. Noise is painful. I remember as a child, I would lock myself in my room for hours, sometimes missing dinner, just to write. Poetry. Short stories. I couldn’t mingle with my family. Disruptive energy not vibrating on the same level interrupts the flow. Negativity interrupts the flow. Noise is painful. It was not uncommon for me to write 10 poems in an hour during these moments. My parents took it as a rebellious child. I was just feeling the power of the creative force.

“The Scorpio is fascinated with anything that offers complete transcendence – spirituality, the occult, ecstatic or thrilling physical states or a complete renovation of some part of his life. To him, these experiences are like a rebirth”

Rebirth. In my quiet state I enter a path of rebirth. My dancing forms a story of what is hidden in my soul. No longer just a dance. My writing evolves. My ideas are born. My spirit reaches new heights. And I find myself standing alone.

As I grew older, it became easier. “Speak to me but don’t expect an answer.”

However, things changed when I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. My moments of creative bliss would be disrupted by anxietal trigger. Something that would send my brain and body into a tizzy. The ageless “flight or fight response.” My creative surges would get bundled up and thrown into a corner, piled underneath piles and piles of stress and negativity. When they would spurt, I would be to exhausted, or they wouldn’t last long enough for an idea to full emerge.

Emergence is key. When I started to seriously delve deeper into my spirituality (brought on primarily by my Shamanic based show ANIMUS) and in-conjunction with weekly therapy sessions, I have learned when my creative surges are coming and how to access them longer.

People who have known me for a long time, are aware of this. People who don’t know me, don’t understand. And the truth is, I feel no need to change who I am during these surges to better accommodate those around me. Its the role of the Lonely Sage. If there were a cave for me to go to and work until the creativity fully released itself, then I would go there. But I live in the city. My studio, my bedroom, those are my caves. Its where I work. I think the hardest thing, is for people who are not deeply involved in their own spiritual and creative selves, to understand what this mood is.

This past creative surge has left me exhausted, I have been writing non stop, ideas swimming in my head. Show ideas of ANIMUS are forming, images for paintings are forming. And they all are fighting to come out. In the end, I am exhausted, tired. My spiritual energy spent of physically extracting these bits of myself out.

I nurture. I grow. I live. I am free. Walking a lonely path of my spiritual destiny to become the person The Universe intended me to be. We are all great things, waiting for great things to emerge. Even the dark Scorpio.